It Takes A Village

They finally did. 13 long years after Barack Obama aka Barry Soreto aka B-Swizzle was elected president, they finally managed to do it. It took nearly a decade and a half to produce what NASCAR has wanted most with its absurd and dishonestly named “Drive For Diversity” program (detailed here) – a (half) black driver in the winner’s circle. We have finally achieved the greatest of good – diversity. Just ignore the fact that an Asian guy has won five more races and lead 1,941 more laps this season. Only (half) black people count as diversity.

Fear not, Goodthinkers. Your thirst for more knowledge about the Diversity Champion, the Racism Slayer and non-White driver extraordinaire, will be quenched shortly. First, there are a couple things to understand about the finer points of NASCAR and, specifically, tracks like Talladega. Don’t worry, dear reader. I will keep it brief so we can get to all that juicy equalityness and equitosity.

Talladega is the longest track in NASCAR and given that it is in Alabama, it is not uncommon for the race to be delayed due to rain on some part of the 2.66 mile circuit. Another thing the track is known for is big crashes involving lots of vehicles. It is not uncommon for a wreck to involve eight to ten cars and the winner may not be the fastest car on the track, but the one who was lucky enough to avoid other wrecked cars skidding across the asphalt enough times to win a war of attrition. This track is also known for drafting “trains,” in which a long line of cars will get in a line and use the draft to help move their train ahead of another train. A driver being at the front of a train is often the result of dumb luck or, upon hearing one is coming up from behind a driver, that driver will move their vehicle in front of it, forcing the train to push them along as well. This can and has lead to wrecks and rather heated arguments post-race when someone leaps from the front of one train to another to maintain a lead. Of course, Darrell “I tried to fight a guy who was being treated for heat exhaustion” Wallace Jr would NEVER do something like that.

When a wreck occurs or a weather delay is called, NASCAR officials call a “caution.” This means that whatever place a car was running in the moment the caution was called is what place they must be in when either the race resumes or they are allowed to go to the pits. This is where a significant amount of strategy comes in for lower-tier teams and low skilled drivers. Which, of course, does NOT include Darrell “I haven’t lead 100 laps total in my five year career” Wallace Jr.

Those less diverse and, therefore, inferior teams will stay on the track as long as possible during those cautions, since the cars are still moving around the track and count as official laps. This type of strategy is often the only way the lower-tier teams can lead laps and thereby get points. This strategy is also used when most cars head to the pits during the regular course of the race. It can be risky in that the car may run out of gas, but it is another gimmick to get what few, precious points are up for grabs when faced with the fact that teams with better equipment, drivers and crews use systemical racism to win.

This brings us to our golden boy Darrell “I have one single victory in 175 starts” Wallace Jr being crowned victorious after leading a whopping five laps. He happened to be in first after a caution, which was then immediately turned into a rain delay, negating the chance that anyone could go to the pits and thereby risk Darrell not being in first place when the race was called. And wouldn’t you know it, the jet dryers just couldn’t get the track dry enough to continue. The curious reader might wonder what that is. It is a jet engine that is hauled around the track by a truck and used like a hair dryer on the track. They always go out in groups of at least two to ensure the entire track gets dried off. Yes, a jet engine.

In a completely unforeseen turn of events, those jet engines just couldn’t get the track dry enough to continue the race, so NASCAR officials had to call the race complete. A slightly cynical person might wonder if the person who happened to be in first might have factored into their decision. This would mean NASCAR was bending the knee to wokeness and that flies in the face of the organization’s long, proud history of standing up to leftist screeching and honoring its fans and cultural roots.

They’ve finally done it, lads. They’ve finally defeated Big Racism. All it took was a rich black guy and a fawning (probably gay) fan of his to build an entire race car team so one really bad driver, who’s attitude and race stats are so bad he lost sponsors, could be NASCAR’s new woke, anti-White hero. And, it took a multi-car wreck. Plus, rain. And, NASCAR officials desperate to put a crown on a nincompoop and bend rules like Gumby. Look, it takes a village to get a (somewhat) black driver in the winner’s circle.