It is Time for Six Presidents

Dear Leftists:

I think both the political Left and the political Right can agree that the United States is simply not working out for either of us.  This is a relationship that has gone bad.  The political Left wants abortion on demand, transgender acceptance, a limitation on guns (or revocation outright), and some variation of socialism.  The political Right wants to eliminate abortion, reinforce traditional gender norms, unrestricted gun rights, and some economic system that ranges from capitalism to corporatism.  The fact is, after nearly two hundred and fifty years, we have just grown apart.

It is time for the United States to amicably divorce.  You go one way; we will go the other way.  Let’s work out a solution for the kids and move on.  

It is time for some form of regionalization.  Of course, the original Founding Fathers knew this would happen and as such, created a document that would have ensured power at the state level.  American Federalism was supposed to enable us to resolve our differences by settling in the geography that reflected our values, norms, and even those ethno-characteristics most closely aligned with ourselves.  As an example, Germans in Pennsylvania and the northern Midwest kept their language and pastoral cultures intact, while the Scots-Irish settled large swaths of Appalachia.  States largely managed themselves at the local level with very little intrusion from the federal government.  Occasionally, some mass of federal troops would assault an Indian tribe and relocate them – but rarely did we see much more from the feds prior to 1865.  

However, as the expansion of federal power grew, state independence was crushed.  Regardless of what one feels as it pertains to the “Civil War,” we can all agree that the end result of that war was the final elimination of state sovereignty.  After 1865, the federal government would call the shots moving forward.  

Therein lies the problem.

When our guy wins an election, you hate him – and by extension, those of us who supported him.  When your guy wins an election, we hate him – and by extension, we abhor you for supporting him.  You detest a federal government run by Donald Trump.  We detested a federal government run by Barack Obama.

This increasing rift will not resolve itself.  I propose a solution.  It is time to regionalize into six districts – the Northeast, the Midwest, the Rocky Mountains/Plains, the West Coast, the Southwest, and last but not least, the Southeast.

Each region would get to run itself on matters of economics, cultural matters, tax policy, etc.  We would only maintain a United States for the sole purpose of collective defense and maybe an economic treaty for interregional trade.  The military would be a combined force – much like NATO – of six different regions contributing to a small team of professionals charged with coordinating military matters.  Otherwise, each region would get its own President, its own Senate, and its own House of Representatives.  What that might look like would be entirely up to them.

California would no longer get dragged into a war with which it disagreed; nor for that matter would Georgia, New York, Texas, or Colorado.

Gone would be the Federal Bureau of Investigations.  Instead, you would have the Southeast Bureau of Investigations, Midwest, etc., etc.  Regional law enforcement is much better at handling matters, anyway.  Furthermore, the West Coast or the Northeast can finally put into place the myriad of social justice reforms it has always sought as it pertained to law enforcement matters.  Police brutality would be gone from your utopian societies.  

Additionally, if you felt that the Southeast or Southwest was acting in an inappropriate manner toward “socially disadvantaged groups” (Blacks, Pansexuals, Latinas, etc) you can entice them with various privileges more suitable to the justice you seek to advance culturally.  Deprived of such enriching diversity, we would be stuck in the all-White Christian dark ages.  Your teams would always win at basketball and imagine the myriad of tasty foods you would enjoy while we suffer through meat and potatoes.  Better yet, with Texans and Floridians out of the way, you can even outlaw meat!

Passports would be issued on a regional basis.  If someone is caught on Facebook or Twitter saying racially or sexually insensitive comments, you can deny them the right to enter the region – just like the English do today.  You would no longer have Nazis in your midst.  At least, you would not have the ones who move into your states.  If I want to visit Chicago or New York, you can shout, “Denied!” at the O’Hare Immigration booth, followed by a big dramatic stamp on my passport, and march me back to the Delta lounge for my plane to Atlanta.  

One group you would certainly not deny are all of the world’s suffering masses.  Without our loathsome insensitivity and adherence to law, you can invite them all into your regions.  They can enter from California, and you can arrange some kind of transborder resettlement plan.  Presidents Newsom, Ocasio-Cortez, and Lori Lightfoot can combine for a program that increases settlement programs in Washington, Maine, and Minnesota respectively.  You would not only have the best Ethiopian food in the world, you would have the best lawns from the sheer number of inexpensive landscape laborers.  It would be wonderful, and you can finally breed out the blondes.  Eventually, we would know you from your uniform tanned skin, brown hair, and brown eyes.  

As for economic policy, wealth redistribution can finally be achieved.  While me and the rest of my allegedly incestuous White Christian Southerners greedily hold onto more of our own earnings, you can finally ensure that the rich pay their fair share.  Medicare for all can be achieved.  Hourly earnings can comfortably reach twenty dollars an hour for minimum wage.  While Southerners suffer to earn money in draconian factories building F-150s we want to drive, you will finally be freed to pursue art, music, and transgender slam poetry.

Since we are all dumb hillbillies and rednecks, your schools would pump out the finest crop of racially diverse graduates.  The mass of black women that can help you get to the moon and beyond would be awe inspiring.  While we raise a socially stratified society of college educated elites from Duke and tradesmen who swing hammers – all White and Christian – you can have kings and queens literally building pyramids in their back yards (or on top of the projects).  

Be honest – this sounds good to you, does it not?  You get the “United States” you always wanted; we get the “United States” we always wanted.  

Unfortunately, the way things have been constructed, the states can no longer manage themselves; at least, not as governance is currently configured.  I would love to live in a free and independent Florida, but most likely, that would have to happen gradually from a federal release to a regional release (i.e., an independent South) to eventually, a state-centered freedom.  But that is a long way off and I digress.

Six regional districts – three mostly blue (Northeast, Midwest, West Coast) and three mostly red (Southeast, Southwest, and the Rocky Mountains/Plains)  – would be able to depart as friends before political animosities turn hostile.  No one wants violence.  Fights over prayer vigils, regionally significant statues, and disease-inspired quarantines are useless.

My kid can go into his favorite God’s chicken restaurant with his gun strapped to his side; your kid can go into his favorite Starbucks to cross his legs, sip a latte, and ponder his sexuality.

C’mon – what do you say?  Let’s do this.  Let’s finally break up the United States and go our separate ways.  Now is the time to finally come together for a common cause we can both get behind.  The time for six presidents is now!

Sincerely,

Padraig Martin