Like a Rock

When I’m sitting at a conference table pretending to disburse my undivided attention beneath the indifferent glare of fluorescent lighting, my mind often drifts into daydreams of existence after the Imminent Total Collapse. Anyone who’s seriously pondered life beyond the apocalypse will have taken their vehicle into extensive consideration. Only a sissy would fret about stocking up on buckets of freeze-dried food when one could imagine welding reinforced steel plates to their V8 Interceptor.

If you want to rescue a harem of helpless females (and if you don’t, you’re gay), you’re gonna need something with four wheels. That’s because at best, you’ll only be able to carry one of them over your shoulder at a time. A limitation of two feet will be monogamy. Who bothers fantasizing about that?

I’ll need something with four-wheel drive and lots of horsepower for starters. The rest will be a DIY welding project at my lair, as it will need to be fitted with a plow on the front, stands for the skulls of my enemies on the hood, and a mount for a .50 cal on the back for one of my “war boys” to operate.

It’ll look a tad like what those Somalis or Mexican cartel members use, but capable of instilling terror in my fellow survivors. I’m also a man of considerable patriotism. Even after this country is reduced to a burning hellscape, I’ll take pride in owning American-made quality while I prowl the ruins as a merciless bandit. Hope springs eternal, you know?

Indeed, a vehicle can serve as a statement of a man’s masculine disposition. I would know, since in high school I had a Ford Taurus station wagon. I can personally attest that an automobile of this sort will do nothing to bolster your self-esteem. At work, I got to drive an F-350. The difference in having your hands on the wheels of both is quite dramatic.

The point here is that I’m a pickup truck kind of guy. I keep myself informed about what’s coming out because I’ve always got 50k lying around to buy a new one. As you might’ve already heard, Tesla will be entering the market with a “Cybertruck.”

That’s a badass name. It used to be that trucks were marketed by having a redneck with a guitar sing “like a rock” while they were loaded up with boulders. You can’t accuse Elon Musk of not trying something new. Here are some specs:

“Body: Ultra-Hard 30X Cold-Rolled stainless steel”

–That sounds really cool, although I honestly have no fuckin’ clue what it actually means in a technical sense.

“Seating capacity: Up to six adults”

–That’s the selling point for me, seeing as my next vehicle will need to hold as many concubines as possible. Most trucks can only accommodate 5. 

Alright, I’ll concede that I’m interested in purchasing this thing. The problem is that even after the apocalypse, aesthetics will still matter. I used think that the Pontiac Aztek was the ugliest vehicle ever devised, but Tesla might have surpassed them. Pontiac doesn’t exist anymore, so Elon might have a real disaster on his hands.