Thomas Shackleford Consequences Consulting

Before our great deplatforming last summer, I penned a piece outlining my desire to earn a living by dispensing lifesaving advice to naive white imbeciles. My firm, Thomas Shackleford Consequences Consulting, would specialize in assessing high-risk shitlib behaviors through the utilization of proprietary algorithms.

The excellence of my analytical paradigm lies in the clarity of the metrics for success: If the clients are alive, unraped, and intact, my services were worth every cent on the invoice. How could anyone with a flow chart for efficiency or diversity prove that any of their boilerplate recommendations worked?

Clients who retain my services would receive the obligatory PPT rundown. Getting the point across would only require a single slide with a lone conditional sentence on it. The template would be as follows:

If you [undertake whatever idiotic shitlib endeavor], you will be [horrific preventable consequence].

For example, these two headless Scandinavian girls from 2018. I would’ve sat them down at a conference table and put this on the screen in big red letters:

If you [go hiking in rural Morocco], you will be [savagely raped and butchered].

Sometimes a second template would have to be employed, such as in the case of a school in Milan, Italy.

If you [hire a deranged African as a bus driver], he will [attempt to burn dozens of students alive].

I noted that the potential client base is endless: governments, corporations, and even adoptive couples like this deceased duo from NH:

If you [adopt a youth of color], he will [shoot you both in the head].

As it turns out, there was another couple out there who could’ve really benefited from my services: Dr. Beth Potter and her husband Robin Carre. They adopted an African American daughter who acquired an African American boyfriend. He recently took them hostage and shot them both in the head.

The average guy out there working a blue collar job to keep the country functioning would probably just shrug his shoulders, mutter “shoulda known betta” and get back to work. He’s never had the benefit of sitting in an office doing a job that could probably be done without.

I want to use my white collar skills to monetize timeless truths. For instance, here’s the exact same sentiments expressed through Probability Theory:

As the number of African Americans involved in your life increases, the probability of your murder approaches 1.

White shitlib idiots consider themselves orders of magnitude more moral and sophisticated than the general population, whom they hold in contempt. They can’t be reasoned with using crude aphorisms and racial slurs. You have to make your appeals to them in different terms, which I think I might be able to do since I spend so much time lurking among them.

At any rate I’m going to cash out my 401(k) after the quarantine is over and set up shop. I’ll be looking to hire a couple associates to give the appearance that we’ve got a lot of information to spend a lot of time analyzing (trick of the trade). If you’re interested, here are the basic qualifications:

• Have no visible tattoos or piercings;
• Be able to wear a suit and tie;
• Be able to operate Microsoft PowerPoint;
• Be able to refrain from threats of violence, obscenities, and racial slurs;
• Be able to remain sober during business hours; and
• Be able to keep a straight face.

Please leave your applications in the comment section below.

Tom Shackleford

I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.