Let’s just get this out of the way. Yes, I have donned a variety of racist costumes for Halloween. From OJ Simpson to an Arab with a bomb vest, I’ve been a bunch of characters. One time, when I was fresh out of distasteful ideas, I used my boots and an old pair of BDUs to dress up as a racist rightwing militiaman. I suppose our Halloween choices reveal something about our subconscious.
I’ve never understood people who splash down big money to buy a new fancy outfit each year. I can offend at least 5 people at every party for under 5 dollars. I’m an adult who avoids sugar, so without candy, what the hell else is Halloween good for? If somebody has a problem, I’ll just crunch my beer can and query: Watta you gonna do about it, bro?
It’s also important to note that I ain’t runnin’ for dogcatcher. I’m also not a hypocrite or charlatan. I’ve never once considered selling out, and if I did, who on God’s Green Earth would compensate me for it? Well, there are some white guys who managed to strike that green pay dirt. In a strange coincidence, they also happen to hold high offices.
Foremost in my mind is the wretched Governor of my beleaguered home state of Virginia, the Baby Killin’ “Coonman” Ralph Northam. This is a sellout who quite obviously dressed up in blackface for a yearbook photo alongside a guy in a klan outfit. Once it surfaced, it didn’t comport well with his image as a righteous, do-gooder Democrat who supports the desecration of monuments to his forebears.
When his apology press conference was announced, I became giddy. We tuned in at the scheduled time, and I cracked open a cold one to savor the schadenfreude. I was expecting two things: 1) A resignation 2) The tepid tears of a pathetic man. NONE OF IT HAPPENED. He’s still in office and it’s all gone away. Meanwhile, Joe Six-Pack or Susie Facebook gets an online lynching for sharing a Confederate Flag meme or getting filmed while questioning someone loitering.
Now, the PM of Canada is on the hook for darkening his face as Aladdin. And moreover, groping the upper sensitive area of a young coed in the same photo. My question here is: When are these people going to be held accountable? And I don’t want to hear about “the hereafter.”
I demand satisfaction.
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
