Less than a day before the great deplatforming of 2019, I published a piece about an African who climbed into the landing gear of a flight bound to London. He was frozen solid and discharged into the backyard of a sun-bathing hipster when the gears opened on the approach into Heathrow. This guy went through a concrete walkway like a bunker buster bomb. Had he chosen to cling to an earlier flight, he would’ve plunged into a child’s birthday party. Obviously not a great situation, but it could’ve been absolute carnage.
The analogies seemed poetic on several levels. My family would describe me as a paranoid rightwing conspiracy theorist who lacks certain cosmopolitan sensibilities. Maybe I went too far with that one, or maybe not. I suspect they were going to get rid of us anyways.
What was more alarming is that I found out this a regular occurrence. Before I did some cursory background research, I assumed it only happened to Dave Chapelle in Con Air:
I thought the only way to survive would be Col. John Matrix’s approach from Commando, in which he drops into a swamp from fairly low altitude:
As it turns out, some of them actually do survive. I guess you could call that miraculous if you want. This phenomena includes African-American teenagers:
If you find yourself in conversation with a cosmopolitan about the Afghan airport horrors, a good tactic would go something like this: “I’m not a racist, but perhaps somebody with the mental faculties to consider this mode of transportation feasible would be better off left in their own country to compete with beavers for architectural achievements. I know that sounds harsh, but the deceased weren’t equipped to make it here.”
When I’m getting hassled by the TSA, I think to myself that there surely isn’t any Islamic terror threat to air travel, because if there was, they’d launch their plot in Africa. It’s the sort of place where you can be cannibalized, or get away with anything, like cannibalism.
A light jacket and a bagged lunch is enough to get you on your way, and no heed is paid to the injuries sustained by the people below when your decapitated corpse plunges through a commercial AC unit. The will is everything, so that’s something I have to respect.
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
Ho Ho Larry E Us!
I’m questioning the authenticity of this report. Black people do not normally sunbathe. They also don’t like white people, so him trying to get some sun next to whitey seems a stretch.