How to Do It: Identity Dixie’s Alternative Advice Column

I was incredibly fortunate for most of my life to be ignorant of the leftist website Slate. That innocence was crushed some years ago, but doubly so when a fellow traveler shared with me some of the most deplorable, gutter trash imaginable in the form of Slate’s frequent sex advice column titled, “How to Do It.” For the Calvinists in the room, I kindly suggest you stop reading now. The Episcopalians can take a cold drink(s) and keep pressing forward.

The anonymous appeals for advice submitted to “How to Do It” range from depraved admissions of beastiality to rationalizing prostitution, as well as, other unseemly disclosures of grotesque perversion. I’d like to think they’re just fake entries and responses, but considering the mental and moral state of your average woke liberal (or Slate reader), it’s quite possible that these are the real deal. That’s not intended to be particularly cruel to only Slate-reading degenerates, the Right is chock-full of embarrassing libertines and lecherous freaks (think Jerry Falwell Jr. and Larry Craig).

It’s unlikely that anyone that reads Slate also reads Identity Dixie, at least not in any honest way. We’ve been mentioned by the Daily Beast, bemoaned by fading B-list actors, and thoroughly besmirched by an army of progressive imbeciles. So, there’s a possibility that there is some crossover with the consumption of our content. With that being said, I’d like to provide a reactionary, neo-Confederate alternative to Slate’s sex advice series.

Included below are actual submissions pulled from Slate’s column, along with our own Southern-fried, “hate-filled” counseling.

Reader discretion is advised.

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Dear How to Do It [ID],

I’m a man almost in his 30s, and I have mommy issues—or, to be more precise, strict-older-women issues. I was raised by a single mother who punished me by making me pull down my pants for spankings, I was sexually abused by an aunt, sexually assaulted by a teacher (hands on my [REDACTED]), sexually harassed by a boss (nudes at work), and I sometimes can’t get [REDACTED] without fantasizing about them or [REDACTED]. I know I have issues and experiences that I should see someone about, but the women in my life were all great mother figures when you exclude everything sexual. All I want to do right now is to date and have sex with no-nonsense women who let me call them “Mom” as [REDACTED]. It’s gotten to the point where it’s all I desire. I have a great fantasy life, and I haven’t had sex in more than a year because of it. I’d like to enjoy sex again—but I can’t honestly say that I enjoyed sex all that much compared to my fantasies. Help? I’m terrified of revealing this side of myself, since the consequences for and the chances of being misunderstood are immense.

Bad Son

Dear Bad Son,

It sounds like years of sexual abuses have significantly damaged you across the board, including physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In fact, I feel disgusted just reading and responding to your entry. As soon as you finish reading this, please enroll in a Christian-oriented mental health program, preferably one you cannot exit on your own accord. You need Church, with a big “C,” along with the help from mental health professionals. In a saner age, you’d likely end up like Randle McMurphy, albeit a far more sympathetic character than yourself. Never speak of your perversion publicly and do not contact us again, except when your redemption arch is completed.

– Identity Dixie

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Dear How to Do It [ID],

My husband just came clean that he’s been stealing my family and friend’s panties for years. We have been together for three decades. We were having a heart-to-heart talk, and he told me he’s been stealing underwear from my female family and friends. He’s a good man, and I’ve always known he has an underwear fetish. He likes to [REDACTED] with soiled sexy panties, and I’m OK with that. But to steal other people’s, my loved ones’, and do this? Please help. He’s always been loyal. This is absolutely not normal. I’m sickened by it, and feel today disgusted, betrayed, and inadequate. What is wrong with him?

Panty Thief

Dear Panty Thief,

To quote a minor character from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation regarding your husband, “That’s pretty low mister. If I had a rubber hose I would beat you with it…” To be frank, your husband sounds like a bona fide weirdo, and you’re probably not too much better (with admitting that some of that filth you typed is “OK”). In addition, this sort of vile obsession from your husband leads me to believe he might be the next BTK killer or Gary Ridgway. In other words, get out, end the marriage, and move to a different state (a Northern one). In fact, pull a Julie Roberts from Sleeping with the Enemy. There is absolutely nothing normal about your husband’s despicable behavior. To put it simply: he’s a degenerate, that’s what’s wrong with him.

– Identity Dixie

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Dear How to Do It [ID],

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years, and we’ve been together more than 24 years. He was 19 when we got together, and I was 23 and a lot more experienced. My sex drive has always been much higher and tendencies much kinkier. Part of this comes from him coming from the most vanilla home possible, and me coming from a home full of infidelity and a mom who encouraged me to explore multiple sexual partners, getting me on the pill at 16 and allowing boyfriends to spend the night, etc.

For many years, his [REDACTED] made it [REDACTED] enough that I could “ignore” that I was not getting other types of stimulation, but I craved a better kisser (he’s pretty horrible) and more kink. I’ve tried to guide him with both conversation outside the bedroom, and encouragement and guidance within the bedroom, with little or no success—he does not want to [REDACTED] or really anything. I’ve told him it feels like we have to open our marriage because I need this stimulation and he just stares at me. But we can go up to six months without sex or any type of physical contact beyond cuddling and I, apparently, am asking for too much of that lately.

This has caused me to go outside of our marriage multiple times, sometimes just for a make-out session other times for rough sex. It feels amazing at the time—until I take the walk of shame home. Sometimes I lie, but I end up telling the truth eventually because lying just does not work for me.

Our marriage is strong other than some dishonesty on his end too, in that case about finances. This all sounds bad when I write it down. But he is my best friend, and I cannot imagine life without him. We’ve been through so much together! I’ve shared our worst here but please know the best is strong and solid. I just really do not know how to deal with my sexual cravings that come up, usually in a state of hyper-emotional arousal, aka stress. Sometimes I don’t want to be made love to—though that would be nice. [REDACTED]. How can I resolve this? And does this make me an absolutely awful person?

Stepping Out

Dear Stepping Out,

First off, this is completely whorish behavior. It sounds like modernity totally broke you at a young age. You’re checking all the boxes off right from the beginning: family dysfunction (check), feminist mom encouraging promiscuity (check), getting you on the pill so you can engage in reckless abandon (check), etc. Your entry is why fathers worry about having daughters in today’s day and age. It’s also a massive cope throughout the entire read – including multiple attempts to dismiss your irresponsibility and actions away throughout this debacle.

You have betrayed your husband on multiple occasions and admit your infidelity to him. This is why he will not engage in physical contact – you broke your vows to him as his wife. In addition, this does not sound like a strong marriage, not in the slightest. It is well documented that a husband or wife, that has been betrayed due to adultery, is hesitant to engage physically with their spouse.

To reconcile your marriage, which might be impossible at this point, I recommend that you privately speak with your husband about this situation and how to save your marriage. In addition, you must seek counsel from your local priest or pastor. If you’re not attending church, you need to start and the time for that was long ago.

– Identity Dixie

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Dear How to Do It [ID],

I’m worried my friend actually believes she has been having sex with a ghost in quarantine. We went to college together but have lived on opposite coasts for close to a decade. I’m quarantining with my partner; she’s quarantining alone. Both our cities have been locked down since March. We’ve always been close, but we’ve talked especially frequently during this time, because she lives far away from family and doesn’t have a lot of close friends because of a punishing work schedule. In a conversation in April or May, she mentioned to me that she’d been [REDACTED] while thinking of a man who lived in her apartment in the 1920s. I assumed she meant it as a fantasy, and we had a good laugh. But in subsequent conversations, she named the man John, and she’s begun referring to him when I mention things my partner has been doing, like her stories are complementary: John said this, John did this, John is having a bad day. As her city slowly ends lockdown, she mentioned possibly seeing an old sex partner again, but said she’s worried John might get jealous. She mentioned “John” on social media without explanation, and a mutual friend asked me if she was dating someone. We talk over the phone, so it’s hard to read her expression when she mentions John, but at this point I know as much about him as I would about a real man she’s dating. I can’t tell if this is harmless or if I should have a more direct conversation with her about it. What do you think?

BOO!

Dear BOO!,

Psychiatrists during the Victorian era, sometimes called “alienists” in the 19th century, would very likely consider your acquaintance insane. In turn, she would be institutionalized and left to rightly languish in an asylum. That may sound harsh to moderns, but the world from only a few decades ago was much saner than the one we live in today. Since it appears that most single woman, particularly on social media, have some widespread and generic form of “anxiety,” it is guaranteed that your friend is fabricating the ghostly affair to gin up social media attention for her pseudo eccentricity.

Also, please explain “quarantining with my partner”?

– Identity Dixie

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If you made it this far through the advice column – congratulations are in order. It was quite painful to find even remotely appropriate examples to share with our readers (including redacting some of the more tasteless language in the examples). I shall not be repeating this exercise in the future, for my own mental health.

Time for some Woodford Reserve.