This is No Kid’s Game

Trolling is a professional skill with different applications. In pro wrestling, it’s what the heel does to the crowd to get them riled up. In the sports entertainment context, it’s all rather overt but politics demands more subterfuge about your real identity and purpose. The best case study would be Trump. In 2016, he trolled his way through the Republican Party all the way to the White House without any genuine political purpose at all.

In the wide world of white people, there are NPCs, ladies, gentlemen, and trolls. These trolls don’t lurk under bridges and the NPCs don’t populate video games, either. This game is real and it’s not one you want to lose. It’s serious and it’s dangerous.

Let’s begin your tradecraft. It’s critical to understand there are two species of NPCs. The first is an instant reaction NPC. This species will immediately shutdown when confronted with inappropriate information. It can’t be absorbed or processed by their brain. They’ll simply stop talking or even get up and walk away.

Their expression on their face will enable you to ID them. Perhaps they don’t engage because, on some subconscious level, they know they won’t win. They aren’t real humans, just creatures wrestling with cognitive dissonance like a demon trapped inside of them. Don’t waste your breath.

The second type of NPC is a true believer who thinks that due to their superior morality and intellectual sophistication, they arrived at their pre-programmed opinions through their own volition. This type will engage because they think that these opinions offer explanatory value for what happens in the world. This is a fatal flaw for you to exploit. An NPC by its very nature is self-righteous and assured.

The initial technique is to confront them on a factual and logical level. For instance, if they decry the invasion of Ukraine, you then rattle off the list of countries we knocked off in the Global War on Terrorism and how we killed more civilians in the first 48 hours of Iraq than Russia has in over a year. The things they’ve been programmed with are absurd and contradictory, so this is an easy maneuver. Facts and logic will enable you to establish a sort of rapport, as you’re dealing with the NPC in a serious manner. Your end has to look legit.

As the conversation wears on, concede nothing. Always immediately parry their arguments and belittle their line of reasoning. This will eventually bring you to the kill phase where their sanity can be decisively undermined. You’ll have to do this using what you know. I know my way around the periodic table, so I often make preposterous statements using chemical stuff that might sound confusing to a layman but is in reality pseudo-scientific nonsense. This is a pretty good tactic when it comes to the vaccine stuff.

A line I’ve found that never fails to get someone to flip out is that I refused to be vaccinated because I’m allergic to gluten. A couple years ago, this made a guy blow up and try to start filming me, but the only footage he got was me politely telling him I didn’t know why he was so angry and it’s not nice to film someone for malicious purposes. I’ve also claimed that my friend was vaccinated by Uncle Sam at boot camp and “it turned him into a gay,” so I’m too nervous to get any injections. These have both proven to be effective, but the gluten thing works best at inducing a mental and emotional outburst.

What we do is unfortunately very necessary. It’s all about the greater good, people who want nothing more than their freedom. If you don’t have the requisite ruthlessness to take down an NPC, you’d better think twice about your chosen profession, my friend. Things are not going to get any easier. Just remember: if you go off the reservation, pull some stunt and get nabbed, I won’t be coming after you. If you go off the reservation, I will not come after you.