As our publication’s newly-promoted war correspondent, I regret to inform you that information confirmed by multiple intelligence experts has emerged on the tragic attack this past weekend in Dumas, Arkansas. The 29 casualties incurred were the result of an air assault by units of the Russian Spetznaz.
Under the cover of darkness, the airspace of the town was infiltrated by a convoy of Mi-8 “Hip” transports flying just above treetop level to avoid detection, escorted by a wing of Ka-50 “Black Shark” attack helicopters. After disembarking, the commandos opened fire on an auto show and rap concert in a large parking lot, mistaking it as a staging area for mechanized infantry preparing to embark on a counter offensive against Putin’s War of Choice.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a senior official disclosed that the bungled operation was characteristic of Russian incompetence, pointing out that they’ve been defeated in every military confrontation since the end of the Cold War. “The Battle of Dumas must be understood in the context of Russian humiliations in Chechnya, Georgia, Crimea, and Syria“, he added. When pressed on the matter, he stated that as the spiritual successor to Adolf Hitler, Putin seeks to restore the Soviet Union without regard to civilian casualties.
In an emergency video conference, the governor implored NATO to establish a no-fly zone above the embattled state, although it is unclear at this time if such assistance will be forthcoming. Many experts have called for the transfer of mobile S-400 AA systems in order to deter further incursions.
During a desperate call to the White House, the governor was assured by Vice President Harris of the administration’s resolve to defend Arkansas: “It is time for us to do what we have been doing, and that time is every day. Every day, it is time for us to agree that there are things and tools that are available to us to slow this [Russian offensive] down.” Cryptic statements to obscure strategic calculations have been noted as a hallmark of her statecraft.
Offering further elaboration, esteemed scholar and former Deputy Secretary of Defense Mort Slaberstein declared that NATO would turn Arkansas into “Putin’s Afghanistan,” proclaiming that “we’ll fight this tyrant to the final drop of [these yokels’] blood.” His think tank, The Global Freedom Initiative, recommends equipping every Arkansan male between ages 16 and 60 with a man-portable air-defense system (MANPAD). “Russian airborne units will never land there again until the entire state is flattened into a smoldering pile of rubble and skeletons,” he exclaimed.
More updates to follow as this crisis rapidly escalates.
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
Well done!
You have a way with words, Tom!
Haha Those nigras are excellent marksmen.I understand that holding the pistol sideways while jerking the arm with each shot(as if giving it extra energy)is the key to colored marksmanship.I wonder how much the taxpayer will have to pay for their medical care and disabilities.It just might be worth it to teach them how to hit the target.God bless all here.Christ is Lord.This world has rejected the White man who is honorable and loves his people,I say let it consume itself.Our home is in Heaven.
This is one of your better articles. Upon clicking on the links I quickly discovered the eminence threat faced by all Southerns from Putin’s Russia. To even hint otherwise might get this website pre-banned on all of social media such as Facebook. Thank God we still live in a free country with free elections (as the Republicans are about to discover if they haven’t figured it out already).