I have three sons and work with many young men and women, most single and most wanting to be married. There are two main problems stopping them from finding suitable mates. They either have low-to-no standards or date recklessly and have it predictably end after a few months leaving them increasingly jaded and reluctant to keep trying. The other problem, and just as big, is they have unrealistic criteria: no one is good enough and they end relationships that had nothing but promise.
Our broken culture feeds into these extremes. We’re led to believe that storybook one-true-love romances are realistic and something you need to hold out for. The truth is there are countless people who would deeply satisfy you as a lifelong mate. There is not one perfect person for you. Everyone will have faults. If they don’t violate what should be a very short list of non-negotiables (they share your faith, want kids, are not in debt, etc.…) then get past their goofy laugh or their extra few pounds.
The other extreme is that prolific casual sex is normal and a recreational option with no consequences. I’ve had the opportunity to work with many marriage experts and counselors over the years as clients. They all say one of the most common reasons singles and new couples seek them out is because they are struggling to get past their past. For both men and women, the emotional, psychological, and spiritual damage out there would shock you.
Whether holding out for “The One” or casually hooking up, both warp the mind and callous the heart. Add into this mix the number of families broken by divorce, and the idea of committing to one person for life is petrifying.
For the young person who may be reading this, if you’re thinking about life-long bachelorhood and have become so cynical thinking all women (or men) are defective, realize you’ve been duped by forces that hate you. Your peer group parroting the same nonsense have been fooled as well. Growing old by yourself is not good. The vast majority of people are called to marriage, you are too.
Here is the bare-boned advice I’ve given to the young people in my life and informed by people who see this every day. It goes without saying to stop hooking up, stop social “comfort dating” because you’re bored, and ditch the absurd criteria you may be filtering with.
Your First Three Questions
You only have three big questions to solve and usually in this order: What do I want to do? Where do I want to do it? Who do I want to do it with?
The advice for men is to solve the first two before the third. A man who is established and has even a rough plan for life is a significantly better prospect in the eyes of a good woman.
Women, if you’re in your early 20s, a guy 5-10 years your senior is where you should begin your search. In spite of all the trendy reports saying otherwise, history, common sense, and the real data confirmed by the real experience of counselors says otherwise.
Opposites Do Attract
Couples with very similar personalities are often marriages of extremes.
They more often get into deeper trouble if they share bad habits. For example, marriages with financial problems are most often because both have low impulse control and can’t manage money. Children raised with parents having very similar personalities are more neurotic.
On the positive side, the similarly wired ambitious power-couple can prioritize their lives for whatever “success” is and can run circles around their peers.
Stable, balanced marriages are almost always because they have complementary personalities keeping the other in check. If you’re dating, take a personality test together early on and talk about the results. I promise it will not only be entertaining but let you both proceed with eyes wide open.
Choose Your Player: Soul Mate, Play Mate, or Helper Mate
As you begin assessing, know that there are three types of relationships, think about which one will best suit your personality. Of course, every marriage will have elements of the three, but there will absolutely be a dominant natural type of relationship that is not going to morph into another.
A Soul Mate. These are the deeply “in tuned” relationships. They finish each other’s sentences, enjoy the philosophical conversation and like to discuss books they read together. They’re painfully in love even after the honeymoon period and they can’t bear to be apart. They are best friends and, as older couples, when one dies, the other follows soon after because of heartbreak.
A Play Mate. These are the physically active and dynamic relationships. They hike, do sports together, can run a business together, look forward to and regularly create hands-on projects together. My brother-in-law has this marriage. They are on a volleyball team together and have remodeled their kitchen twice in ten years. It’s exhausting to be around them, and I’ve never seen an adult book outside of a repair manual in their house.
A Helper Mate. This relationship is best characterized by the division of labor. Each knows their role and happily supports the other by getting it done. For men, wife “is the wife,” and he has buddies to go hang out with and do “fun things.” Wife is perfectly happy when he’s out so she can do the same. What may sound like a ho-hum life, this is the most optimized for raising a family and having a peaceful, functioning home.
Stop Overthinking This
Before you date, understand what type of relationship you prefer and why, but it’s important to remain flexible enough to at least entertain what another dynamic might be like if someone takes you by surprise.
You need to be realistic with what another person is reasonably going to be able to provide you.
Yes, you need to have enough shared interests and core values to be able to spend time together and make important decisions without drama. You should also have a matched level of ambition and what a good life means. But the big takeaway is that it is the combination of your spouse, plus friends, plus your role in outside groups and communities that will lead to a happy well-balanced life.
If you’re single and don’t want to be, chances are you’ve been overthinking things.
‘Cause down in Alabama, you can run, but you sure can’t hide.
She can NOT ( or agrees to stop ), watching PC shows and movies, be brainwashed by satans media that it’s okay for a white girl to be with a darkie, voting demoncrat or being apolitical, hanging with other than white Christians, talk over you and be arrogant.
She MUST be humble, charming, reasonably subservient, sexually giving, Christian, conservative ( far right – or allows you to morph her into that ), into healthy cooking and lifestyle … likes shooting / survival / etc., pretty much on the same page as you.
YOU … need $$$$ and at least a 25 year plan which must include rebuilding the south. Security, ammo, pantry, gas masks, rolls of silver and “2” recession / depression proof occupations / businesses.
Don’t be intimidated by their looks and over confidence. MOST are brainwashed bimbos with no upbringing and only have confidence because of how many guys hit on them and tell them how hot they are.
Without seeming and or showing arrogance … know, if you give them the time of day after the first coffee date … THEY scored! Get it?
Use online dating sites to narrow down your top 10 and go from there …
PS : Get her OFF Facebook ASAP. Any opinions right of center have been eliminated from that deep state tool brainwashing bimbos that “such n such is how everyone thinks and believes.”
I think Facebook is dying out as a viable social media platform, but I certainly agree that in its heyday it was pure poison, and that inasmuch as it remains popular amongst a certain set, it remains toxic as such. So, we agree on this matter, Josey; indeed, I agree with everything you wrote in your two comments above.
When I deal with these issues personally and within my little family group(s), I often cite that old ‘tried and true’ New Testament passage admonishing us to avoid ‘unequally yoking ourselves together with unbelievers’ at all costs. In my estimation, that passage may be easily (and, rightly) applied more broadly than to simple religious beliefs and preferences. E.g., I will sometimes cite historical family examples to drive my case home. For example, I have a (3rd) great aunt up the Morris line of my family who, in 1870, married a Yankee. The marriage, such that it was, produced three daughters before it abruptly came to an end when the Yankee in question abandoned his wife & daughters. My aunt remarried (to a Southerner) sometime afterward, which marriage produced five children (four boys, one girl) and lasted till death parted the two in 1928.
Now, that my great aunt in question found herself and her girls abandoned only ten years into her marriage to the Yankee is not at all surprising to me in hindsight. Indeed, I don’t know what Yankee sleights of hand he pulled to get her father’s approval to start with, but, I certainly believe that he was ultimately given an ultimatum, since she happened to be the daughter and sister of three Confederate soldiers, as well as the granddaughter & niece of several more Confederates on her mother’s side.
In any case, my point is that “unbelievers” in that passage most assuredly applied to both the Confederate and the Union sides of things during the so called “Reconstruction” years. I can’t prove this, but my suspicion nevertheless is that her first husband’s Yankee proclivities ultimately got his Yankee *ss ‘run out of Dodge.’ I mean, he was most assuredly like a fish out of water amongst the overwhelmingly Confederate men and women then living in Ellis Co. TX between 1870-80, and from what I know of Yankees, they’re not especially prone to follow the old principle of ‘doing as the Roman’s do’ while in Rome.
Best I have been able to discern, once he left, he never again had anything whatever to do with his three daughters – the only children either of his marriages ever produced, BTW. Go figure!…
Great article and one of the best I’ve ever read. However it did overlook something. Because of diversity quotas and the vast majority of employers in America going woke, it is almost impossible for a young white men from a poor and/or broken family to make enough money to be attractive to women. No woman is going to want a man who lives paycheck to paycheck and when any man, let alone one on the autism spectrum, is fending for himself it is almost guaranteed that he will die poor and single without assistance from prominent people in the Southern nationalist community or divine intervention not seen since the days of Moses
Tarzan: The economic path forward is not going to be an easy one but the skilled trades route and entrepreneurship is probably the best option for most. Any aspiring men out that are free to contact me if you’re not sure how to start. You are also right that an intentional effort for the greater community to keep the money within would be a major step forward. The Mormons and Amish do this. We have skill sets across the spectrum and simply need to connect to start making this happen. I suspect that when the American Experiment runs its course, there is going to be great demand for good people to work. Start making yourselves valuable gentlemen.
I’ll be more than happy to speak to you directly but I don’t know your email. Feel Greek to ask for mine
Sorry I meant free not Greek. Stupid autocorrect
A wise man once told me that dating was “divorce practice”. This is because every time you get wrapped up in another person on such a personal level, then break it off for whatever reason, it gets easier to do it the next time and a little bit of your heart dies as it hardens. By the time you have gone through the “dating game” to marriage, if things get a little rocky in the marriage, it is easy to break it off via divorce.
I didn’t really understand it at the time, but with age comes understanding and I was able to convey that wisdom to my own kids.
I will say one thing about those who are dating. If the person you are dating has ever cheated on their partner, perhaps even cheated with you on their previous partner, they will eventually cheat on you. Cheaters never seem to reform. If you have a chance to talk to their previous partners, do so. You may find yourself quite surprised.
Latigo: Couldn’t agree more that mindless dating is not healthy. And 100%, there’s a due diligence required to learn as much as you can about the other person that probably wasn’t as necessary a generation ago. Dating apps make it way to easy to keep shopping.
For many young people, men especially, even getting a date in the first place is difficult given the social retardation that smartphones have caused.
Here’s my advice: don’t use dating sites or apps. Just practice getting into conversations with people, regardless of age, race, sex, etc in public and ask to exchange numbers. If you’re nervous, have a drink or two before you go out. Its not a sin.
Also, limit your use of computers or smartphones to a bare minimum. This will make you more socially aware.
The types of women I’ve gotten attention from IRL are leaps and bounds above the types of women who’d ever gave me the time of day on dating sites. We’re talking the difference between obese 3s and 4s and thin/curvy 7s and 8s. Night and day.
Benjamin: Hat tip to the improved score. One of the biggest helps married or confident men can give to one another is coaching him on social skills. That extends beyond dating, but how to also have a conversation with another guy or stand in front of a room and speak without having a nervous breakdown.
Also, don’t be afraid to talk to those 9’s and 10’s. They often are insecure and think they are ugly because so many guys are afraid to talk to them.
How often have you seen some ugly nerdy dude with a beautiful woman and wondered how he pulled that off? Chances are, all he did was talk to her and ask her out.
But, beware the “friend zone”. Do not go there, ever. It’s a dead end.
Good replies Lancelot & Latigo.
One thing the “muh game / muh pickup artistry” people don’t seem to get is that, like 90% of the social skills you need to talk to women are the same social skills you use to talk to literally any random person on the street. The specific dating communication skills are like maybe a specialized 10% of the entire thing.
In fact, I would actually recommend against reading game blogs. Reason being: while things they say aren’t per se untrue, the goal should be to get men to stop being so uptight and formal with social interactions, to let go of the world-view that’s like “I have to follow these specific rules to be successful”. Game blogs just give already-uptight men even more internal rules to follow instead of teaching them to let go. Read Chateau Heartiste’s “10 Rules Of Poon” (LOL @ title) and that’s basically the TL;DR version of all-you-need-to-know. Don’t obsess and overdo it.
RE friend zone: yeah like I’m trying to think back and I don’t recall an instance of that ever happening to me or anyone else I’ve known. The closest thing would be if a girl comes into one’s social group and you get to know her a bit before asking them out as opposed to cold approach or escalation from conversation while out-and-about. But even at that, the timeframe between “I know this girl really casually” and “I’m going to ask her out” is generally pretty small. That said, there’s nothing wrong with being friends with a girl. Lots of guys think its The Worst Thing Ever(TM), but its actually far from it. There are tons of guys out there who would never even be accepted into Le Friend Zone because they’re too weird / awkward / creepy. Plus, it’ll open the door to being introduced to her friends most likely at some point. The psychology term for that would be “delayed gratification” or “low time preference”