Ordinary Heathens

Most of my customers are goths, heathens, good ol’ boys, and the gay Donovan/Waggener types. I don’t get much say in who my customer base is and while that’s the case for many small business owners, I happen to work in the stranger corners of the oddities trade market. A stuffed squirrel in a tiny cowboy hat, bull riding a stuffed rattlesnake, is not a purchase most people would eagerly make. It takes a certain sort of person to buy snake vertebra bracelets and coyote skulls for Christmas presents and my customers are exactly those sorts of people.

If you’ve been to one oddities show, you’ve been to them all. Every booth falls into one of these catagories: weirdos in tie dye selling hanging crystals, Moroccan lamps, and stuff covered in pentagrams. The trappers sitting completely obscured behind stacks of furs. My favorite, the good ol’ boy taxidermists in overalls and camo thermals, sporting cellphone holders on their belts and rarely seen without a water bottle filled with dip spit. Then there’s me, somewhere in between. The people who attend these expos are always the same; the demographic makeup of the crowds are always reliable and always weird, and that’s what this article is about.

The demographics of sex are reliably 70/30. females to males, boutique genders not accounted for. The racial demographics are as white as the national average was in the 1950s; very. The over 40 crowd is almost exclusively female and pagan, they make up the “white witch” grandma occult subtype. Think “Do no harm” “Coexist” and “My other car is a broom” bumperstickers on beat-up cars with sun cracked dashboards. They are single, work low paying jobs, and have one or two kids. The eldest child is frequently close in age to their mother, insinuating an unplanned pregnancy.

These women were raised in Christian households and, although they have long since renounced Christ and traditional monotheism, they were never atheists. That is the major generational distinction of the Stevie Nicks grandma; they don’t hate God. They never raged against their Christian upbringing, nor did they fully abandon those dogmas. This is why they preface their heresy by clarifying that they are “white witches” with a ‘do no harm’ ethos. They were raised decent enough to know that there is something that needs to be clarified. Bottom line – they know better. These are pleasant people until they sense you’re no ideological kin to them, they pick up on it subtle and quick. Hiding your power level requires a surprising amount of tact, I’ll give ’em that. Despite their feminine proclivities towards quiet hostility, these women are basically defenseless against appeals to their emotions; they are easily manipulated and beg to be exploited by those who would do so. The female pagan/perpetual victim stereotype is one I’d prefer over the real freaks I’m about to dissect, so buckle up.

The under 40 Gen X’ers and Millennials who show up to these events look comically bizarre. Events like this are an opportunity to promenade in their full Etsy goth regalia. Under the dyed hair, septum piercings, and tattoos, they are societal rot NPCs. Their occult fetishes are not genuine spiritual expressions but not strictly aesthetics either; it’s darker and more evil. It’s garden variety Tumblr Satanism; self worship, self destruction, and self masturbation. The younger generations do not have a Christian foundation like the older generations do and this is especially so for Millennials. But, for the occultist types, what has taken root isn’t just passive atheism, they believe in God but only enough to hate him. Almost all of these kids came from broken homes where it was 100% mom against the world. It makes sense that the products of that matriarchal dynamic would go on to worship the feminine energy of the moon or whatever.

The men who aren’t gay are usually weak and unremarkable and, no matter how tall they are, they’ll always be small. They are subservient slaves to women who hate them; sacrifices for the moon goddess. These people don’t have lasting monogamous romantic relationships, the cycle of dysfunctional broken homes marches on. With these alternative spooky folks it falls along this pattern: A girl finds a man who puts up with her bullshit and who has something to offer. I can’t begin to speculate how any of it is appealing to these men. Maybe this couple gets married and has a kid, but the relationship degenerates eventually within a decade. Millennials have a habit of pursuing others outside of their relationships and the new trend is to cheat on one another in some sick polyamorous agreement that’s bound to fail. If that makes you uncomfortable then you are “boring” and “unevolved.” It’s not a surprise that people who worship relative polytheism can’t make monogamy work for very long.

Carving runes into a green candle 8 times and meditating on the flame is the path of spiritual ascension to these heathens. Money and love spells, yes – really. Exerting their flawed will upon the universe is the righteous path, subjugating their version of ‘virtue.’ Their Personal Struggle™️ is their crucible. Tribulations were things that had to be concurred and, by doing so, the heroes of myth forged themselves. Between 30 billion gender pronouns and banning straws, it’s evident that we have run out of problems. The heathen struggle is fake and its forge is cold; it spits out moral relativists who demand to be the moral authority. These people are real, they are sick, and they walk amongst us.