Thanksgiving, Post-Mortem

I’ve always wanted to spend a Thanksgiving like one of my childhood heroes, the Million Dollar Man. The life of a true villain, perfecting an evil laugh, who wouldn’t possess such aspirations? A Thanksgiving spent reminiscing about one’s exploits for the past year, all the people he bribed, trolled, and humiliated. The kids kicked out of the pool because he had his colored henchman bribe the manager, that was a man living the success to which I aspire. It’s good to have role models.

I’m pursuing my life goal of catching dogs full time now, so finally I’ll be bringing in the sort of cash it takes to do this shit to people. Maybe I’ll have enough next year that I can film my own highlight reel and upload it to Identity Dixie. It’s good to have options, one must be thankful for this and despite the challenges in life, be aware of the opportunities available. You’ll miss every shot you don’t take, as they say. I’ll get to the shooting part later.

For instance, the Million Dollar Man saw poverty everywhere he went and never failed to avail himself of the opportunity to rob poor people of the only thing they had left, their dignity. This is the mentality it takes to really get ahead in life. When you’re on this side of the dirt and relatively healthy while not languishing in prison, what is it you can complain about that you can’t at least attempt to address?

I recently had a very challenging situation I was able to work out to my satisfaction, probably, but definitely in the best interests of all parties concerned. To me, it’s incredible that you’d have to establish the credibility of your threat at a significant financial cost, make this threat, and then come in and follow through on this threat before someone panics and just does what should’ve been done in the first place.

There are many ins and outs to dog catching, it’s a complex and fascinating profession. This year, I presented a paper at an international dog catching conference, which was a great opportunity for colleagues to share some insights, research developments, and keep each other informed on best practices. My standard procedure is to take the dogs to the pound where people can adopt them, whereas the Asian standard procedure is to sell them to a restaurant where people can eat them. The world is full of nuance.

I’d never shoot the dogs, but of course people in my professional and personal life have threatened to shoot me on a variety of occasions under various circumstances. The feminine threats I tend to assess more credibly. She’s a woman, sure, so probably the marksmanship ain’t optimal. However, if she does shoot you, it’ll probably be at very close range and maybe when you’re not expecting it, and she’s driven by emotion so that’s a wild card you’re playin’ at your own peril. These are factors which must be calculated in your risk assessment. Perform your due diligence on your own life, people, please.

It was around this time of year, many years ago, when I was relaxing at a rural location with some rednecks on a crisp Sunday watching football. Having very little maturity or problems back then, I just enjoyed a Sunday for what it was worth. A very wholesome day, like the song:

Yeah, it was really wholesome. Anyways, a grizzled redneck got up to check on something outside and noticed that a work crew at an adjacent property had put a rut in the gravel driveway leading from the road. Apparently, he’d just gotten the thing fixed up. I laid the gravel for a driveway once and drove on it every day, and never gave a crap about the gravel afterwards, but we all have our triggers I suppose. He walked inside and announced that he was going to shoot these workers. He sat down for a moment watching the game and then got up and walked upstairs.

Upstairs was where he a significant cache of weapons, and not just guns, claymore swords that sort of thing, and who knows really? His position was always that the authorities would never be able to apprehend him “out in these woods.” My thing was that I’m pretty sure they’d get me out in those woods once they’ve got the dogs loose and a chopper overhead. I’d therefore like to mollify the situation rather than having to help him make dead bodies disappear. If he shot them, why would he not shoot me for refusing to chop them up?

I got up and watched him come down the stairs with a Ruger and a look of purpose on his face, which I must admit did elicit a sense of alarm. Next to the bottom of the stairs was the door to the bathroom where another redneck had been sitting on the toilet. Right as the grizzled redneck was coming down the stairs this other redneck opened the door with a shocked look on his face. Immediately, he said in a calm and reassuring voice “gimme the gun.” The grizzled redneck replied “you ain’t takin’ my guns,” but the exchange of this pistol was secured and then we went about our day.

I made some sort of Smart Alec remark and, if I recall, he threatened to kill me but that was a common occurrence. This was a long time ago, but I think it was later that night that he became suspicious of a prowler and so he led us on a perimeter patrol armed with knives while the other redneck was slumped over at the dining table from drinking. Although I do have firearms training, I was entrusted only with a flashlight. I was a bit worried he might’ve prepared tiger traps we could accidentally stumble into in the dark. Never caught anybody.

Anyways, I’m quite thankful for my life this year and I hope the rest of you can feel the same. If you don’t, just remember that if you’re healthy and free, you can do something about it and feel thankful for that opportunity in the meantime. Maybe this summer I can finally start showing up to swimming pools to have the kids kicked out.