Halloween 2020 falls on a Saturday. For the denizens of Chicago, this also happens to be the evening they’re most likely to be perforated by a lead projectile. Over two dozen bodies usually hit the pavement before the Sunday sunrise. That’s a genuine a public health crisis that requires a concerted response.
The hospital tab for metallic perforations amounts to hundreds of millions each year. The staggering cost endangers the provision of basic medical services in a municipality facing catastrophic bankruptcy. If the spiral isn’t reversed, it might have to be returned to nature.
Thankfully, the city now lies under the competent supervision of a extraterrestrial lesbian dignified leader it could only have dreamed of back in the era of Al Capone. From the Chicago Tribune:
Halloween in Chicago isn’t canceled after all.
Wearing a black and red outfit with a cape emblazoned with “Rona Destroyer,” Mayor Lori Lightfoot on Thursday unveiled a series of COVID-19 rules for the upcoming holiday that she said will allow people to celebrate safely, including a requirement that everyone wear masks.
Diversity is critical. In a white supremacist society, nobody thinks to require everyone walking around in the open air to wear masks. Without masks, it’s difficult to thwart surveillance technology that leads to disparate legal outcomes for people of color.
People handing out candy also are asked to leave a light on or hang a sign in their window letting others know whether they’re participating in the holiday while following social distancing rules and providing hand sanitizer
Hand sanitizer is important because it’s easy for wounds to get infected. I’m a bit confused by the whole distance thing since guns are designed negate that defensive advantage. I guess that’s why nobody’ll ever elect me mayor.
Trick-or-treaters are asked to stay on the move in groups of six people or fewer, avoid sticking their hand into candy bowls and wait until they get home and wash their hands to eat candy, they said.
That sounds like what a sergeant instructed me to do during army STX Lane training. Then again, I never excelled at that sort of stuff. Perhaps I’m confused.
Telling people not to trick or treat would be unrealistic, Lightfoot said, so the city’s emphasis is on creating public health guidelines.
Communities deprived of resources struggle with guidelines about the senseless discharge of firearms. Therefore, it’s crucial to build compliance competencies by starting with small stuff like masks and hand sanitizer. That’s were the path to pacifism begins.
“This year more than ever it is important to celebrate Halloween safely and responsibly,” Lightfoot said.
Previous mayors governed with complete indifference to gunfire on holidays. It’s refreshing to have someone who’s got the strength of character it takes to be honest about safety.
2020 is on track to be the bloodiest year in the city’s history. However, what we’re witnessing now is how a successful community-focused intervention is conducted. In the future, Chicagoans will look back on this year as a grim milestone on the road to brighter days ahead.
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
Luckily the governor of my state is an overweight, gay Jewish man. If anyone understands public health better than a fat gay Jew – we need them to issue “public health” emergency orders that people confuse as being enforcable laws immediately!
But the problem is, his eyes appear to be spaced a “normal” distance apart. He can’t see around problems the way Lori Lightfoot can, she’s as wily as a goat.
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