Da 757, Part 2: Naughty In Norfolk

Does your life feel devoid of fulfilling excitement? Do you yearn for random, senseless danger? Perhaps you should consider relocating from your boring suburb to thrilling Norfolk, Virginia. Anything can happen at any time there on the Elizabeth River.

It’s the special sort of place where you can sit in a parked car in broad daylight in order to FB live stream your rapping when all of the sudden, a suspect storms over to pump 30 rounds into you, your vehicle, and passengers leaving one of them paralyzed and another with a bullet stuck in his brain. Of course, if you’re perusing this site it’s probably because you’re a bit too stale and pale for such a musical adventure. Don’t worry though, because they’ve got a shopping mall.

Residents enjoy a lifestyle location in which any retail space can instantly be turned into a scene from Blackhawk Down. That’s due to the fact that this thriving metropolis is packed full of young people, and oh boy!–do they get up to some silly ‘ole hijinks.  

On one occasion, MacArthur Mall shoppers were going about their business figuring it was just 2:15 pm on an ordinary Valentine’s Day when they were treated to some real exhilaration. After a bit of mean-mugging between groups of young people, one of them decided it was as good a time as any to, “cock dat’ glock and make dem bodies drop.” That’s the beauty of Norfolk–the situation can change as fast as young people can pull a trigger. “I was thinking Columbine” exclaimed one bedazzled spectator.

Sadly, Norfolk isn’t immune from hard times. It once boasted two shopping malls but one, Military Circle, went out of business. At this point, the best it could hope to be is the set for an episode of The Walking Dead. That’s a real shame because it was a world-class venue for mayhem that MacArthur has failed to replicate, despite being adjacent to one of the most vibrant areas of the city.  

Sometimes, a building is imbued with its own joie de vivre from all the wanton savagery that’s transpired beneath its roof. Military Circle Mall was the sort place where you could stop by the food court on a Saturday night and suddenly find yourself in a rehearsal for the imminent total collapse as hundreds of young people (no joke) “running rampant” stormed in to “terrorize” you and your fellow shoppers.

An afternoon of casual shopping at Victoria’s Secret could change in an instant, as you found yourself introduced to the quaint urban practice of “leg warming” and a warm spatter of blood as a fight broke out over a pair of panties that neither combatant probably intended to pay for anyway.

Perhaps you’d be walking to your car thinking your experience was over, safe and sound, when you’d witness a group of young people pummeling one of their own literally to death. If that failed to float your boat, a stray round was only a heartbeat away as you could easily find yourself caught up in a deadly shootout between drug dealers and the SWAT Team.

Military Circle Mall is a truly tough act to follow. Fortunately, happy days are on the horizon as city leaders have finally cleared the way to open an Indian casino to vacuum up regional disability checks because it’s “an emerging destination for tourism in the mid-Atlantic.” A casino in Norfolk. They’ll definitely be able to bank on bloodshed.

A few years back, I was watching a local station’s coverage of a double homicide. One of the residents being interviewed shook his head, and with a tinge of pride in his voice, remarked that “We get down to it Norfolk”. Yes indeed, good sir. Y’all certainly do.

Author’s note: Because the current crisis has dulled my imagination for anything other than sheer terror, I’ve recycled & revamped some pre-great deplatforming material. This is part 2 in a series of 4 on Hampton Roads, Virginia. After this viral madness has finally run its course, you’ll need to take your family on vacation. It’s my contention that a destination which boasts of both beaches and convenience stores fit for the Maginot Line should be on the top of your list.