In terms of salable rationales for bombing non-compliant nations across the planet into submission, sodomy would have to be our very best. That’s because it’s a value which all human beings hold dear. Lots of things can be shared through sodomy, much the same as how lots of things can be shared via airplanes. For example: firebombs, nuclear weapons, or Agent Orange.
Nothing brings a sleepy village on the edge of the jungle into the 21st century quite like a few canisters of napalm. Plenty of little kids from Vietnam graced with this experience probably went on to become real Americans just like us. As they bled out on the floor of a nail salon from an armed robbery, I bet they thanked their lucky stars for the day that napalm modernized their extended families. Depending on the estimates, there’s at least a million such cases.
If anyone forgets to value sodomy, America, the world’s indispensable nation, can gently remind them with a color revolution or various other domestic catastrophes engineered in Washington, DC. This will be worth it for the citizens of these nations. Kids are quite expensive to raise, so once they have more spending money in their pockets and their attitudes adjusted, the adults who were burdened with these kids develop a grateful disposition towards Americans.
If they refuse sodomy, well that’s when the gloves must come off. It’s what these poor bastards deserve, and more importantly, what they need. Case in point, there’s a troublesome patch of ground in the Middle East known as the Gaza Strip. It’s supposed to be for trendy Jewish beach condos with a wide main street running down the entire length for pride parades.
Instead, Gaza is inhabited by a retrograde blend of Arab known as Palestinians. They’re determined to linger where they don’t belong rather than moving on to the gay discos being prepared for them in the Egyptian desert.
Everything the Jews have done to them is in the name of love, and yet the Palestinians can’t summon the gratitude to move through the Rafah border crossing. Each day, people around the globe become more exasperated with these Palestinians.
It’s not as if we don’t have our own shortcomings. There’s plenty of progress to be made in our political system, for example. That’s why brilliant female leaders like Nikki Haley are blazing the way towards a more dynamic democracy. She’s proclaimed, and quite lividly so, that Israel doesn’t need America, America needs Israel.
I guess my background was a bit too stale, pale, and male to understand this geopolitical masterstroke. I’d always considered the relationship in more conventional terms. We’re the massive entity cutting the checks, Israel is the tiny entity collecting the money. Israel has the regional problems, we deploy the carrier battle groups. Seemed like quite a simple flow chart to understand any situation which might arise.
I was also vexed by the issue of delivering explosives to targets. For one thing, America produces these munitions. Another would be the method of delivery. America is the only nation defending sodomy with a fleet of heavy strategic bombers. We have a long tradition of using our industrial might to lift bombs high into the air with four engines and transport them vast distances in order to obliterate the populations of entire cities.
During the dark days of the Third Reich, the residents of Dresden and Cologne found themselves caught up in the madness of opposing the proliferation of sodomy introduced during the Weimar Republic, going so far as to burn books about how to turn Germans into transgenders through surgery. We corrected their intransigence with incendiary bombs, reducing these bigots to ashes. The flames were so intense that bombers were blown off course by the rising hot air from the hell they unleashed on the women and children below.
If I recall correctly, these missions of mercy were carried out by B-17 Flying Fortresses. Their direct successor would be the B-52 Stratofortress. We also have the B-1 Lancer and an iconic stealth bomber, the B-2 Spirit. Israel has been doing its best to enlighten Gaza with F-35s and F-16s, which can only carry a fraction of their payloads. So, what do we need Israel for? We could reenact the glory of World War 2 by leveling the entire strip in a single night if we choose to do so, but Nikki Haley offers zero elaboration on this topic.
I eventually realized Nikki’s point is that Israel has a stronger faith in sodomy than America. For all of our industrial might, our enthusiasm for anal endeavors is still rather tepid by comparison. We therefore lack the courage of conscience to drop what must be dropped on the Palestinians. This is why we need Israel, or else the light of sodomy will never shine upon the Gaza Strip. Only Jews have the moral clarity to drop eight precision bombs that weigh one ton apiece on a refugee camp.
America’s hands are already full, anyways. We’ve been assembling a coalition around the globe to take on the biggest opponents of sodomy, China and Russia. China labels it a mental illness and bans the dissemination of content to curious citizens yearning to take their children to parades where men prance around in leather costumes and twerk naked to shake the AIDS virus off on adolescent spectators.
Worse yet, Vladimir Putin, the sonofabitch who stole our 2016 election, labels it all “satanic” and has his thugs at the FSB raiding LGBTQ+ activists. His air force also has an array of heavy bombers, and now drops over 3,000 glide bombs on the Ukrainians per month for holding pride parades in Kiev.
Fortunately, elder statesman Lloyd Austin has been uniting nations that comprise a whopping 18% of the world’s population into a global arsenal of sodomy. Nobody can get themselves enough rectal rectitude. It’s as wholesome as young children giggling with puppies and kittens on a bright sunny day.
This is a pretty astute approach with the Asians in particular, since they’d check to make sure the doors were locked if they spotted Austin walking down the sidewalk next to their car. We need to share the right values to unite our allies in this darkest of hours. What’s better than a dick right up the ass?
While citizens of the world eagerly await the day that foreign semi-slave laborers can begin clearing the rubble of Gaza for redevelopment, I must confirm to our readers that the next front will open against Russia and China. Putin will never stop peddling conspiracy theories about “satanism” and an attack on the family structure, while the Chinese Ant Farm is too collective and autistic to appreciate the value of a dick up the ass.
Something must be done of course, or else America would be abdicating its leading role in the world. Through cross-referencing our history with our values, we can infer that this spells a mandate for the delivery of big-time firepower. As Donald Trump would phrase it: fabulous firepower, the biggest firepower anyone has ever seen. It’s gonna be some really great firepower.
With American support, the Ukrainians recently attacked one of Russia’s early warning radars with drones. These facilities alert their leadership to incoming ICBMs, providing precious minutes for making decisions about launching a counter strike. I think we can all do the math on this one.
Apparently, so can Putin. Tactical nuclear warheads mounted on Iskander mobile systems have been deployed to Belarus, and nuclear readiness drills have recently been conducted. We can’t allow the blustering of a Soviet thug deter our imposition of the Rules-Based International Order. It would appear we’re heading for a showdown hotter than a super strain of gonorrhea bred inside of a gay man’s anus.
Dick, up the ass. That’s the rule. Without rules, there can be no freedom or human rights. These rules are the responsibility of all patriotic Americans. The rest of the world yearns for freedom while looking to this great nation for leadership. The courage of America is our character.
The character of America is a man crawling across the asphalt on all fours with a ball gag in his mouth. As small children cheer from the sidewalk, another man dressed as a festive female demon flogs him with a riding crop. Through freedom, our dignity shines like a beacon to the oppressed.
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
I used to work as a low level admin peon for a Southern based leftwing group. I went to work there because the neocon lawyers I had been working for disgusted me with their rape jokes and their cheering out loud for blowing humans to bits. When Obama ran for office, suddenly everyone was taking leaves of absence to work for him. I was cooly informed that voting for Cynthia McKinney was THE sign of “the kind of racist you are.” (So, yeah, I’m a racist, just like you all. I’m just the weird one in your bunch.) And when Obama ran, suddenly the peace movement deflated and disappeared. Suddenly everyone was working for gay marriage. Iraq? Bloody babies? Who cares? But it’s critically important for Steve & Marty to have a certificate.
I love how bitter your humor is and I know exactly what you’re talking about.
Everyone is in favor of killing babies — it just depends on how old the child is. Some people disapprove of killing them in the womb. Others want to wait until after the child is born. Some are okay with it at any age.
Sodomy is our strength!
Bravo Mr S! I shared wilting satire with all of my buds to enjoy. One thing the pedo/sodomites can’t handle, being properly made fun of.
“Dick, up the ass. That’s the rule.”
That line made me laugh harder than it reasonably should have. This almost read like an Andrew Anglin article, lol.