America is in this sweet spot where we’ve become a 3rd World/1st World hybrid, an achievement unparalleled in human history. This means that all sorts of amazing things can happen which wouldn’t happen in the 3rd World or in an aspiring 1st World country (like China). For example, go to Latin America and try to shoplift. It’ll likely end up with you beaten or shot. The police would probably show up later, and perhaps congratulate the clerk. In the very least, the clerk did nothing wrong.
To put it in crude terms, you’d have fucked around and found out. This is obvious and, in the 3rd World, obvious things are still accepted. People need to buy stuff from stores, and these stores will go out of business if they shoplift this stuff instead. Yep, all quite obvious and, yet, oh so backwards. For the same reasons, these people will never be able to rival our space program or pornographic internet streaming technology. Pedro, I hope all your descendants are fond of leaf blowers. Trying to explain this concept to them would be like attempting to explain the triumph of Modern Monetary Theory to some nutjob buying gold.
In America, the future has already arrived. If the clerk objects to your $2,000 dollar theft, you can just punch this old lady in the face. After you depart, she’ll be fired for her trouble. People are still reacting to brazen theft, it’s like a reflex in many and a relic of a barbaric past. This is why it’s important to fire such troublemakers functioning with their lizard brains on the spot. She can cry on Fox News all she wants. We’re achieving situations in America that people used to need a horde on horseback or Viking longboats to pull off.
Yeah, I couldn’t be prouder of my country. I just wish people could lose a bit of weight, though. Maybe lay off the soda for starters. It’s good to see folks going out for a bit of exercise, however. Below we can observe a woman who appears to be gestating a 9-month-old fetus in her left calf, or perhaps it’s hanging from her upper leg:
Another benefit to allowing Americans to steal anything they want is the sense of dignity this practice instills in retail staff. The impotence gives them the confidence to shrug their shoulders and whisper to themselves “Let in all burn.” While Russians are forced to confront armored columns and thermobaric rockets for the sake of their patriotism and the Chinese are stuck eating bats, we’re focused on progress here in the land of free and the home of the brave. How can you be free if you can’t steal whatever you want? What bravery is required to whip out your credit card and make a purchase? We’re going to leave them in the dustbin of history.
We haven’t fixed all our problems. Unfortunately, African Americans are still suffering from the lingering effects of systemic racism. I scrolled through the comments section for the video above and found many were referring to them as “joggers.” I have no idea what this means, perhaps some sort of coded language, but they’re clearly not jogging. They’re smashing a counter up with hammers because the store was too racist to put the jewelry out where it would be convenient to pick up.
As a nation, America is still grappling with the racism of its past. As proud of our country as I am, I’d be the first to admit that we’ve got a long way to go. I’d be remiss not to mention the tragedy in Fairfax of a great kid who didn’t do anything except consider attending church and his options for higher education. The cops executed him over a pair of sunglasses. I can barely contain my outrage as I type this paragraph. The Chinese imprisoned young African Americans for the same offense and Trump had to bargain for their release. We can’t do better than the CCP?!!!
I’m also developing the impression that we’re not providing African Americans with enough food to eat. The phenomenon is known as a “food desert,” an area where most of the population would have to walk at least a mile to get to the grocery store. Imagine walking a mile, they don’t even do that in the 3rd World. African Americans are so busy working they don’t have time for that anyways.
It probably requires a pretty high-level academic analysis to figure out how racism turns black neighborhoods into food deserts, so that’s way over my head. The video above has some pretty fancy experts, and they can’t even seem to pinpoint the cause. We’ve got lots to work on but like President “Honest Joe” Biden said, we’re a beacon to the world.
In the meantime, don’t forget to steal.
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
Tom Shackelford’s been writing for the wrong website
What you want is Lego Nationalism, not Dixie 2.0
He should do good on Substack, and make some money. He is a good writer.