Kwanzaa: A Video Guide

I grew up in a place that was half black and I never once met anybody who celebrated Kwanzaa. I’m pretty sure if I put the word “Kujichagulia” in front of one and asked for the correct pronunciation, it would piss him off about the same as requesting he read aloud a page from Harry Potter.

My impression was that our VP was raised mostly by the Indian side of her family instead of the light-skinned former plantation owners. She clearly doesn’t understand black people. If she did, her staff wouldn’t be tweeting about Kwanzaa:

My favorite principle is the second: Kujichagulia (self-determination). This principle is about having the power to design your own life and determine your own future. It’s a deeply American principle. From our family to yours, happy Kwanzaa.

— Vice President Kamala Harris (@VP) December 27, 2021

I didn’t know much about Kwanzaa either, so I had to do my homework. I’ve learned it consists of “Nguzo Saba,” the seven principles which guide the existence of black people. I’ve listed each below, along with the most appropriate example I could possibly find after many hours of research.

Number One: Umoja (Unity): To strive for and to maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

Number Three: Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility): To build and maintain our community together and make our brothers’ and sisters’ problems our problems and to solve them together.

Number Four: Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics): To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together.

Number Five: Nia (Purpose): To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

Number Six: Kuumba (Creativity): To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Number Seven: Imani (Faith): To believe with all our hearts in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

The esoteric wisdom of black people is a subject fit only for the most rigorous scholarly mind, which is probably why Kwanzaa never really caught on, but I hope this helps explain things a bit. It’s important to know because my favorite black-space alien hybrid celebrates it with her gigantic Jew lady. She wants you to make sure you’re vaccinated to protect yourself from the guests you shouldn’t invite due to this deadly pandemic. Happy holidays!