The Boat Shoe Beat: The Commonwealth Anschluss

Many years ago, and when I was fresh out of college, I had a job interview with a clodhopper from West Virginia. He was a nice enough man, of course. He was, however, very much a West Virginia nationalist, if there can even be such a ridiculous thing. His truck was emblazoned with a gigantic Mountaineers football logo, his office was adorned with countless maps of West Virginia, flags of West Virginia, and West Virginia football paraphernalia. I’ll never forget how much he looked like Larry Flynt, and sounded like him. At that time, I wasn’t regularly exposed to Appalachian accents and found them slightly alien, as well as, somewhat cartoonish.

Unlike how most interviews usually go, he did most of the talking. He spoke at length about how he was born in poverty in West Virginia, was the first in his family to graduate college, and how he had to sadly relocate to Virginia due to the limited employment prospects in West Virginia. Then, he bemoaned on about how mistreated he was by the Virginians, subjected to countless “cousin” jokes, and that Richmond was essentially inhospitable to mountain people, especially those from West Virginia. He was right, more or less. 1990’s Richmond was very much different than it is today, and it was not uncommon to hear West Virginia jokes on local radio stations or from native Richmonders.

He then told me one of the horrifying jokes he heard when he first moved to Virginia. Keep in mind, this man had zero (intentional) comedic timing, nor was he trying to be funny. He solemnly recited the joke, almost as if he was going to cry. He recalled, “The first thing I heard when I came upon Richmond was a West Virginia joke on WKHK K95. That there young fella on the radio asked, ‘Why do birds fly over West Virginia upside down?'” The West Virginian paused for a moment, in quiet silence, and then despondently answered back with, “Because there’s nothin’ worth sh*tting on.”

Much to his chagrin, I couldn’t help but laugh at the poor man. I think he was expecting some sort of contrition or pity party in his office. In fact, I almost spit out my coffee when he delivered the answer to the disc jockey’s joke. He was certainly puzzled and a little taken aback by my response. Clearly hurt, he asked, “Why’d you laugh at my expense?”

“Sir, because it’s a joke and good-natured ribbing. Don’t take it personal,” I replied. Then, I said: “But, if you must know, I’ve never thought much of West Virginia. She betrayed Virginia when we needed her during the War. West Virginia isn’t a legitimate state, either. If the most you’re going to get are some toothless jokes, and over that kind of historical betrayal, consider yourself fairly lucky.”

“Son, are you joshing with me?” he demanded, astonished at my response.

“No, sir.”

He slouched back in his chair and pondered for a moment, sizing me up in my blazer, Oxford shirt, and khakis. He glanced at one of the West Virginia maps on his wall, turned back toward me and said, “You’re one hell of a straight shooter, son. How’d you like a job?”

I turned down his offer. Not because I disliked the West Virginian, but because I didn’t want to make cold calls and sell insurance (to each their own, I guess). I wished him the best of luck and would still occasionally spot his big truck, with the massive Mountaineers football logo on it, around the West End of Richmond.

Outside of this little anecdote, there’s something larger at play. For many of the Virginia writers at Identity Dixie, we actually believe that West Virginia is an illegitimate state – a bastard creation of Abraham Lincoln’s war on Virginia (and the South). West Virginians are not the orphans of Lincoln’s unlawful design to carve up the Old Dominion, rather they are also the heirs to the Mother of Presidents. West Virginia’s 55 counties rightfully belong to Virginia, the Wheeling Convention be damned. In fact, the vote for secession from Virginia even required a loyalty oath to the Union, the whole affair was rigged from the start. Furthermore, it’s not like the West Virginians even benefited from divorcing their home state; they were left just as impoverished and mistreated as the other Unionist Appalachians that sided with Lincoln’s Empire.

And there’s another point, there really isn’t that much of a cultural difference between native Virginians and West Virginians – despite what many mountain folk might claim. Southwest Virginia and the Shenandoah Valley have almost the exact same culture as the vast majority of West Virginia, minus the areas bordering Ohio and Pennsylvania. They have similar accents, terrain, traditions, economies, political outlook, etc. And, there really isn’t such a drastic difference between West Virginians and the Virginians of the Piedmont, Southside, and even the Tidewater. Notwithstanding my preference for crab cakes, boat shoes, and seersucker, I do have a kinship affinity for native West Virginians more so than any California transplant currently residing in Fairfax County.

Outside of the historical and cultural need for our very own Commonwealth Anschluß, there are politically practical purposes, too. Bonding West Virginia to Virginia politically nullifies cancerous Northern Virginia, as well as, the little blue independent cities in a sea of red Virginia counties. No longer would three counties adjacent to Mordor on the Potomac decide Virginia’s fate. Instead, by uniting the Virginias, the overwhelming collective power of West Virginia and Virginia Proper would crush the carpetbaggers, liberals, and other undesirables at the ballot box.

Honestly, I view it as a win-win. West Virginia is returned to Greater Virginia, as its land and people are of the Old Dominion. Northern Virginia is excised from the political process. And, Virginia’s economy will grow exponentially, allowing for needed infrastructure and economic investments to shore up the western frontier and West(ern) Virginians’ quality of life.

When all of that is said and done, perhaps we’ll then look to North Carolina’s shoreline territory as recompense for all of Virginia Governor Spotswood’s anti-piracy efforts against Edward Teach. The Outer Banks could use some more Virginia flags.