As I’ve written before, I’m planning to open a “consequences consulting” firm because I want to cash in on common sense. It’s become so distasteful that I believe it’d be my perfect niche in the market.
For example, Alec Baldwin could’ve hired me to consult on the safety situation of his doomed movie. I’d have shown up on set, taken a gander at the tatted trollop with the guns and advised him to shut it down immediately until he could hire a male Boomer who retired as a sergeant.
I figure my competition will be diversity consulting firms. They’ve got an outrageously lucrative racket but an inability to connect cause with effect. I did a quick perusal of an industry leader which purports to offer a set of “capabilities.” One is hilariously titled “People Cost Optimization.”
I immediately pictured myself going head to head with one of their representatives in a Hollywood boardroom. LaQuisha gives her pitch, and the studio chief says, “We’re grateful to Mr. Blattstein for sending you, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve provided a plausible explanation for this dead camera lady we’ve got on our hands. Tom, what’s your take?”
I stand up and button my suit jacket. “Gentleman, of course I can tell you why this tragedy occurred. Moreover, I’ll detail procedural guidelines for ensuring it never happens again. First though, there’s the issue of my fee.” My associate hands him a leather folio with the billing documents.
“While it is substantial, I assure you it’s a pittance compared to the cost of the impeding lawsuits. There’s a legal team somewhere right now strategizing how to optimize the price of her corpse.” The studio chief puts on his reading glasses, quickly signs, and snaps the folio shut. “Another day, another dollar,” I chuckle silently to myself.
I noticed the aforementioned diversity consultants also offer to enhance a company’s “risk management” without providing a specific description, indicating they mean the risk of getting sued about diversity. The issue they’re going to run into is that problems will abound, almost none of which can be solved by hiring less white men, which distilled down, is the essence of their advice.
In fact, many of these problems are going to involve horrific and preventable accidents caused directly by not hiring white men, who are in steep decline as a percentage of the population. So, the value of their boilerplate nonsense is eventually headed for zero. Who’s going to pay someone to tell them to hire less of a demographic they can’t find enough of in the first place?
That’s when I’ll be ready to step in with specific interventions to deal with specific risks that I’ll define with gruesome clarity. That will make proper people cringe, so probably an NDA will have to be signed before I get rolling. My advice won’t be suitable for polite company, but it will be effective.
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
