We’ve been banned from Facebook for quite some time, so I knew we were on some sort of list. Still, when it recently leaked, I couldn’t help but waste a few minutes perusing. It’s called the “Dangerous Individuals and Organizations List,“ which is separated into a bunch of sub categories. Identity Dixie was put into the “Hate” category.
Most of the other offenders in our category are classified as a “Music Band.” I’m going to start one called Tom Shackleford and the Buck Breakers to see if I can pad this list a bit more. However, there’s another category for individuals who’ve really distinguished themselves with their hate.
Facebook figured out that hate is an elixir of immortality because a bunch of guys I’d erroneously assumed to be dead like Adolf Hitler and Joachim von Ribbentrop are on this list. Apparently, they tried setting up accounts from their secret UFO base down in Antarctica.
I don’t feel like dying anytime soon, so I’m going to prioritize getting my name next to theirs. I guess what happens is that if a man can hate just hard enough, the pure intensity of this hatred will prevent the telomeres on the end of his chromosomes from shorting any further. At least, that’s my theory.
In addition to being insufficiently hateful and not an organization, Identity Dixie suffers from a lack of imagination. What I mean is that one does not gain immortality and an underground base stocked with extraterrestrial technology by having kid-friendly barbecues and crab boils. The ID crew simply writes articles on various topics and sends them to our chain smoking editor. We don’t even have a cool lair. Honestly, we’re lucky to even make the cut for this stupid list.
Cobra understood how the game is supposed to be played. Every week, they would harness their hatred for a new dastardly plot. For instance, one time Cobra Commander had been studying Austrian economics and a powerful hate grew inside his heart for fiat currencies. So, he developed technology that turned every single U.S. dollar into ash in order to force Americans to hand over all of their valuables in exchange for Cobra Coins.
This was an elite organization that knew how to be creative. That’s what I need to become if I don’t want to succumb to old age. I’ve been hating away since before I was old enough to walk, and I’m not getting any younger.
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
Cobra commander is just another example of the Jewish left teaching children to hate the cure.