It’s a shame Lori Lightfoot only grants interviews to journalists of color. I’ve got so many questions I’d like to ask. What’s it like to be the daughter of an alien from outer space? Did he go back there? Was he really that desperate? Did he have anti-gravitational technology in his UFO? What do aliens call other aliens who have romantic encounters with African Americans?
Some folks have compared her aesthetic to a character from Beetlejuice. I think that’s highly offensive. Although, truth be told, if I had a traveling carnival back in the 1920s, I would’ve hired her on the spot. Modern America is a much more inclusive place, and that’s a good thing because we need someone of her caliber to be the mayor of Chicago.
At over 600 murders thus far this year, the city is in a rather exigent situation. Apparently, these shootings are being done by gang members. I don’t know much about gang members, but I figure they’re a rather WASPy set. You know, like the types who used to run the country before a city like Chicago experienced dozens of shootings per weekend.
She understands that these guys are intimidated by litigation. Last month, she announced a plan to sue gang members in civil court. That’s right. She’s going to confiscate their assets. Just imagine how these gang members reacted when that press conference hit the television.
I picture them having a drink in the clubhouse after a round of golf. The leader leaps out of his leather-backed chair and calls an emergency meeting with their in-house counsel. Next, I’m seeing an oak paneled board room where they’re discussing risk mitigation strategies. “We should consider setting up more LLCs to separate the shootings from our income producing operations” suggests an attorney clad in a three piece suit named Worthington P. Carlisle.
The leader sits despondently at the head of the conference table, fiddling with a gold pocket watch. He lets out a deep sigh and says, “She’s just too clever. It’s the end of an era, gentlemen.” His privilege doesn’t enable him to contemplate a warm summer weekend without a 45 foot Beneteau waiting at the lakeside marina.
I’m confident that hitting these blue bloods where it really hurts will be what finally puts an end to this bloodshed. But, that will take some time so more immediate measures had to be taken. That’s why the city is putting up $500 “bleeding control kits” with enough supplies to treat eight victims. Obviously, COVID is way more of problem but it’s good to see that they’re taking the shootings seriously. Thanks, Lori!
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
