Are you familiar with Hampton Roads heroes the Vick Brothers? If you were into watching football or cruel backyard dog fighting, you’ve probably heard of them. They’re well known around town for their wacky hijinks, like deliberately infecting women with STDs or pulling guns on folks at McDonald’s. They represent some of the best that Newport News, Virginia has to offer.
Allen Iverson, although senior, hasn’t been able to match their accomplishments. He’s most famous in these parts for bludgeoning a white girl in the head with a chair (there’s actual security camera footage) at a bowling alley because she had it coming. He was granted clemency from his 15 year sentence by Governor Douglas Wilder and the locals received national excoriation for the racist fact he was even prosecuted in the first place. It’s pretty well known around town that white people go to bowling alleys to attack black folks. He never did anything wrong before or since.
Affectionately referred to as “Bad Newz” by the locals and passers-through too frightened to leave their vehicles, it competes with regional rivals Norfolk and Portsmouth for who can boast the top shooting total on the evening news. Michael Vick loves the place so much he named his dog fighting ring after it.
Newport News is one of the premier arsenals of our nation’s Zionist military machine that gently spreads democracy to grateful peoples across the Middle East. It’s here that every aircraft carrier is built. With each launch, one wonders if it will succeed in killing or maiming more victims than the residents of the East End, the city’s most “troubled” district.
The esteemed rapper 50 Cent once had a beef with Bad Newz, denouncing it in his song Ski Mask Way from the album The Massacre. It incensed denizens of the East End where apparently he spent time hiding out from “the Feds.” The lyrics aren’t exactly suitable for our Christian publication. What I can glean from listening to his bizarre jingle is something about robbery, shooting people, drugs, casual sexual encounters, and “hogtying yo’ momma.”
Newport News is also the home of the Mariner’s Museum, home to a full scale replica of the USS Monitor, an iron ship used to terrorize Southern shipping. How can Disneyland ever hope to compete? So, pack up your van, wrap the kiddos in Kevlar, and strap on a sidearm. Adventure awaits.
Author’s Note: Because the current crisis has dulled my imagination for anything other than sheer terror, I’ve recycled & revamped some pre-great deplatforming material. This is part 3 in a series of 4 on Hampton Roads, VA. After this viral madness has finally run its course, you’ll need to take your family on vacation. It’s my contention that a destination which boasts of both beaches and convenience stores fit for the Maginot Line should be on the top of your list.
I’m proud to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Dogcatcher.
Among the many sports I grew up playing, I ran track – as a white kid. My main event was the 400m, it brought me into close proximity with kids from the more “colorful” areas of Denver. Kids from Montbello, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson. Many who must have gone through puberty at 7 years old, based on height and muscle mass.
Although not nearly as “colorful” as Bad News, these were the places I was warned about by my dad. He grew up with Mexicans in Westminster and was more than capable in a fistfight. But, Mexicans aren’t mayatés, the mayatés are people far-far lower in impulse control.
I had such a unique upbringing as both a jock and a musician that I’ve been around vibrancy that would be a shitlibs’ wet dream. Training in a MMA gym on Santa Fe, playing houseparties with Mexican bandmates, picking up AWFL chicks in LoHi with black acquaintances. And then head back up to Evergreen where I can have brief respite from the multi-racial/cultural onslaught and just be white.
Ironically though, white Evergreeners are some of the most impolite people I’ve ever met anywhere. They exemplify the “free-range rude” Hannibal refers to in Thomas Harris’s brilliant novels. Among people prone to fistfights, there is a paradoxically higher level of decorum observed – up to a point.
Lycurgus,
Interesting comment. Question: are Evergreeners Yankee transplants? Generally speaking, I mean. I’ve spent time all around the country, including a three year stint in Alaska amongst the eccentrics when I was a young man, and the most impolite (“impolite” is a gentleman’s way of saying “disgusting assholes”) people I’ve personally met anywhere (in the ‘lower forty-eight’ and beyond) *by far* were Bostonians, with several cities in that … God forsaken quadrant running a close second, third, and so on. As I pointed out to one of them in no uncertain terms, “where I come from, you’d get the shit kicked out of you for less.” That was in or around the mid-90s. ‘When in Rome’ and all that, but I put the ‘fear of God’ in that man nonetheless.
Morris,
You’d have to be familiar with Colorado to understand the personality type I refer to. In Colorado you have the Aspen crowd – who love to shit on the Vail crowd, who shit on the Breckenridge crowd. And then you have the other foothills area crowd who ski, yet remain aristocratic wannabe strivers.
Up here in the Rockies you have a unique type of Yankee. True blue mountain natives are going to be far more conservative than transplants. I personally have family in Colorado going back to covered wagon Pioneers and Tom Cruise-esque Far and Away Micks. Then you have the more recent transplants who retain their officious liberal traits – yet love the scenery.
The C.P.A. and dentist set up here believes they should have a certain amount of reverence bestowed upon them. They love being outdoors, but are afraid of the wilderness. The violent wild-spirit has not possessed them. They will be snarky, but will pearl-clutch if you square up and make them eat their words.
“Hey, come on man, I wanted to talk shit, but I didn’t want to be held accountable for running my mouth.”