Thomas Shackleford Consequences Consulting

Honesty. If shame is the mortar, then it’s the cornerstone in the foundation of a functional society. This is a fraught era. You’ll pay (get punished) for honesty, but nobody is going to pay you for it. That’s a real shame especially since bullshit can fetch a handsome price.

While ostensibly free, the value of bullshit is often determined from whence it came. In order to impart unbiased scent or perhaps that of legitimacy, from time to time certain entities purchase excrement from a 3rd party rather than defecating it themselves.

These shitters-for-hire usually call themselves “consultants” or at least charge “consulting fees.” The terminology can vary, but not the essence of what they do, which could be done without. This is generally referred to as “advice.” Anyone working a white-collar job long enough will sit through at least one of their PPT presentations.

I want these easy paydays for myself. However, my undertakings are always directed by a moral compass. My firm, Thomas Shackleford Consequences Consulting, would focus on assessing high-risk shitlib behaviors with the goal of dispensing common sense in return for hefty sums.

Clients who retain its services would receive the obligatory PPT rundown on the results of proprietary risk-assessment algorithms. Getting the point across would only require a single slide with a lone conditional sentence on it. The template would be as follows:

If you [undertake whatever idiotic shitlib endeavor], you will be [insert preventable consequence].

For example, the two headless Scandinavian girls from last December. I would’ve sat them down at a conference table and put this on the screen in big red letters:

If you [go hiking in rural Morocco], you will be [savagely raped and butchered].

Sometimes a second template would have to be employed, such as in the case of the school in Milan, Italy last week:

If you [hire a feral African as a bus driver], he will [attempt to burn dozens of students alive].

The potential client base is endless: governments, corporations, and even adoptive couples like this deceased duo from NH:

If you [adopt a brown youth], he will [shoot you both in the head].

The excellence of my analytical paradigm lies in the clarity of the metrics for success: If the clients are alive, unraped, and intact, our services were worth every cent on the invoice. How could anyone with a flow chart for efficiency or diversity prove that any of their boilerplate recommendations worked?

I just wanna help.


  1. I agree with the article and very sad.However,as far as the adoption kid,true should not take in these other races but there is a possibility the kid had reactive attachment disorder.Not excusing him or taking in children of other races,but just making a point of a possible explanation as any adoptee children of any race may be disturbed with rad.

  2. If you [make an annual pilgrimage to the “Grizzly Maze” to live amongst the bears for a month] you will [be eaten alive by one of those you are there “protecting.”]

    I see where you’re headed with this. Makes perfect sense to me, but something also tells me that the Timothy Treadwells of the world would just as soon give you an F-bomb laden cussing, as to follow your sage advice. ‘Course, I guess the Tim Treadwells of the world aren’t especially the kinds of nitwits you’d be trying to save from themselves.

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