Beg Your Pardon, Partner

Y’all, there’s been some disturbing news. John Wayne recently outed himself as a fountain of virulent hate during an interview in 1971. Now, the KKK have discarded their hoods and donned 10 gallon hats. One of these innumerable dastardly villains who pervade our society strode on to the campus of Wake Forest University a few weeks ago to terrorize students at a Subway with a noose!!!

At least, that’s what they “understood” it to be, but bear in mind that what they think takes precedence over reality. Have you learned nothing from the BLM riots? According to student senator Fadi Narouz, “the fact that the Bias Report says, oh you know, ‘this wasn’t [a noose],’ like there’s no way of us knowing why, and that’s how it is.” In other words, they don’t think it be like it is, but it do.

How could anyone tell a cowboy with a lasso from a Klansman with a noose? After all, villains coming onto campus for the purpose of hanging POCs with a noose is an entirely plausible concern. It has to have happened at least once, right? The menace is every bit as credible as extraterrestrials descending onto the quad to probe orifices. This is definitely part of a pattern and a huge threat to their safety.

It’s up to us to clean up our act. Therefore, as a cowboy of conscience, I’ve decided to come to grips with the dark and divisive connotations of my profession. From now on, I’ll be known as a “Bovine Intervention Coordinator.” Here are some updates I’ve made to my wardrobe and accouterments:

I’ve appropriated the fabled wisdom of the Orient. My former head-wear belongs in a museum, along with its disturbing connotations. Now, I wear a ching-chong cap to keep the sun out of my eyes and the racism off my head.

Rope is simply something Whites shouldn’t have in their possession, period. IT’S NOT OK. You can lasso a calf with this extension cord just as easy, and carry it into Subway on a convenient spool without traumatizing POCs.

A white man on a horse evokes traumatic scenes from Birth of a Nation and besides their flatulence contributes to climate change. My new steed rides with the times and with limited green-house gas emissions.

The days of sliding on some rugged cowboy (excuse me, *cowperson*) boots are now long gone as I’ve grown and matured in my personal journey. Instead of inhumane leather boots made from cowhide, I’ve adopted Toms as my new footwear. In addition to signaling to my fellow SWPLs, for every new pair sold, an illiterate and impoverished 3rd World street urchin is provided a pair. Paying it forward, if you will.

Guns are bad. So, I turned my six-shooter over to my friends, the U.S. government. Instead of shoot-outs with horse thieves, I’ll be battling the true scourge of the prairies – toxic masculinity, the patriarchy and systemic rape culture permeating across college campuses. This trusty bracelet is all I’ll need.

I hope you make the transition that I did. I sat down, shut up and listened to people of color, proud women and the marginalized. My days of riding off into the sunset are now over, let’s embrace this brave new world head on.


  1. In this timeline, satire is king. However, sadly, it’s also hard to tell satire from reality when it comes to the left. Great write up!

  2. I’m no cowboy, although Yankees and SJWs would most likely mistake me for one on a first impression. Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure I could successfully tie that extension cord into a noose if need be. All of my extension cords are heavy duty, so I’m confident they would hold up in the event they were so-used. Ha!

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