Have you ever encountered a herd of cracked-addled skeletons roaming past a high school that resembles a maximum security prison? Perhaps you long for the thrill of experiencing a home invasion. Does the prospect of watching a swat team take down drug dealers while you pump gas on a Friday evening give you the chills? Do endless stacks of empty shipping containers dumped from Asia because we’re sending nothing back comfort you about the future of America’s economy? Maybe you’ve got some plasma in your veins that just needs selling right away. A special city awaits you. Fabulous Portsmouth, Virginia. Ah, yes, one of the oldest localities in this thriving nation has much to offer. It should be at the top of the list for your next vacation.
Affectionately dubbed “P-Town” by its residents, this is a municipality staffed by some of the finest public servants ever produced by the Old Dominion. Many Portsmithians look upon their officials with pride, as they serve with a distinction that truly sets them apart from the troglodytes in Anywhere, America. Here’s a pair of case studies in excellence.
After a cordial city council meeting in 2016, the deranged white Sheriff Bill Watson was unjustifiably upset. His budget was being slashed cut because crime was nonexistent in this utopia. He followed and then arrested morbidly obese Mayor Kenny Wright for a traffic violation. High on chitlins, Wright belligerently refused the ticket and led him on a low-speed car chase through the thriving metropolis. Of course, the ludicrous charges were summarily dismissed. Fortunately, voters tossed racist old Bill out of office in favor of some guy who beats Obama on being black, but just nearly white.
In a sign of progress, the new Commonwealth’s Attorney Stephanie Morales recently released a music video of her family (pit bull included) performing a rap ballad of their own composition, titled “Sundress Season”. Persons bereft of high culture are recommended not to view this video as the editing may induce a seizure. Instead, a synopsis is offered below:
Her man does most of the vocals, sporting a plastic crown while reassuring the audience that he “don’t know how to act—round dat booty crack”. The finale of the video features the noble crime fighter herself poppin’ dat booty, solemnly intoning that “my body match my intellect”. If you were getting worried, then don’t because she’s confident that her “ass is tight”. Abandon your stale, pale misconceptions of the proper deportment of an elected official, because she’s “perfection bonafide”.
Oddly enough, the white population of Portsmouth has plummeted over the years while the crime rate has failed to take on a similar trajectory. Some mysteries are simply inscrutable. One thing is for certain though: a new level of class and sophistication has stepped up to tackle the problem.