We all like to talk about what we would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse, terror attack, aliens come down from Mars, or the more reasonable, race war. But are you really prepared for the inevitable? That is, your car breaks down too far from home and your phone is dead. A lot of us are well versed in the mechanics of the car, but even those who are seem to be in woeful neglect of their emergency breakdown supplies. Get your head out of your ass!
First and foremost, do you have a cell phone charger in your car? When you’re in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere and the coyotes are circling closer and closer to your Prius, you’ll wish you did. I can picture you now, car gasping and sputtering its dying breath while you look on nervously at the gas gauge. You think to yourself, “my cousin Joey lives out here somewhere. Maybe he can bring me a gallon.” And then you look down at your iPhone and realize that roaming has drained what little battery you had in the first place, you low agency shit. Better hope you got that charger.
Okay, so you have your phone charger, and that’s a start. What do you have in the way of spare tires? Yeah, your doughnut is alright, but you’d better hope you don’t hit a pothole. A full size spare is the only way to go. Stop by either your local junkyard, or, if you have money, get online, and order a matching rim. From there, the cheapest tire you can find will fix you up. This will serve two purposes, the first of which is to get your lemon back in the fast lane, and the second to give you some time to come up with the money for that new super swamper tire to match the other 3. You can’t have that peace of mind with a doughnut.
Alright, we’re on a roll. Now, if you’re like me, you’re car is kind of a piece of shit, and you don’t have money to bring it to a mechanic. So here’s what you do for general, every day repairs. Get yourself a small duffel bag. Mine’s U.S. army surplus and it cost me a whole five dollars. Assemble the following tools and stick ‘em in there.
- Leatherman Tool
- 10 piece standard wrench set
- ¼” screwdriver and socket set
- ¼” ratchet handle
- Duct tape
- Spark Plug socket
- ¼” ratchet extender
- Box cutter
Fortunately for me, I have brothers, and most of these things ended up in my possession at one time or another. I won’t say how. If you don’t have that resource, Harbor Freight is your new god. If you don’t have one in your town, I can pretty much guarantee there will be one 15 miles away. Keep in mind, this bag isn’t for stripping your engine and boring out the cylinders for that extra boost. It’s a emergency kit, and as such, doesn’t have to be anything more than what can get you home.
Well maybe you were a complete fuckwit and neglected all of my advice. What you need in this scenario is food, water and shelter. The food I typically carry in the car amounts to granola bars. A case of water fits nicely between my tool bag and full sized spare tire. For shelter, lo and behold, you have a car for a roof over your head, but you should sure to bring a blanket, or you just may freeze to death. Keep in mind; this may be the most important piece of the puzzle, because when somebody finds you, they just may leave you on the side of the road if you’re a hungry, cold, dehydrated asshole.
We’re here to fix you, bugmen. Take our automotive advice, you just may thank a Southern Nationalist one day.
-By Mr. Ess
Oh, I'm a good old Rebel, now that's just what I am; For this "Fair Land of Freedom" I do not give a damn! I'm glad I fit against it, I only wish we'd won, And I don't want no pardon for anything I done.